proving myself when need not be proven

Some people never can seem to be happy enough. I have been working my ass off with 2 jobs.. looking for more.. and I still am hearing about things from pops. The roommate situation got even more hellacious and shes not even here. It’s been a week of catch up with life, and I’m doing my damnest to keep trudging on and look for something better.

Oh the week of my birthday has been a bit debaucherous and the apartment is a mild version as to why.
There are some clothes scattered on the floor from days with no roommate home so being able to just lay around naked. I haven’t washed the dishes because she left most of hers in the sink when she left. It’s not horrible here, but its not super clean.

I can’t stand the mess but I honestly hadn’t been home much to sit in it… and today I am and it’s raining, so I really don’t want to do anything but veg and maybe bake some cupcakes.

I was supposed to have gone down to San Diego last night. I called Daddy about the metro to see if perhaps when I’d called there to find out the train schedule it was any different.. and got a lecture.
I was offered to go down there by someone whom I’d previously dated and hadn’t seen in over a year. It was a bit of a birthday present/ well… nunya.

I was spoiled this week by friends who took care of me. I got flowers sent to me on my birthday, and went out for drinks with new friends. I had a great birthday. I feel very fortunate.

And my dad has helped me out alot.. but I’m doing the best that I can to change that he’s helping me. I have spent a total of $40 on myself.. half of which was food and I felt guilty about over the past month. I think I should be entitled to have a bit of a social life here and there… it balances it out a bit.

I had orientation for my overnight job yesterday. I start my official duties there on Sunday night… after a night of working over at the juicer. I’m excited. I missed working in the back stockroom. I’m hoping it was as good as I’d remembered. Ah one job where I will be free of dealing with customers. Then onward home to sleep a little bit before I go back to the day job at 11. Woo.

Tuesday I have an interview for a 3rd job. I got a call about a 9-5 position that may be open nearby as well today.

Point being, with everything that I’m doing, I shouldn’t have to prove myself to anyone anymore should I? I have a lot on my plate and I’m being responsible with things here.
I don’t expect my friends or anyone to have to pay for me constantly.. quite frankly, I’m working myself to the bone to minimalize that and save, and pay off some bills… and am still job searching.

How much is it going to take to get my family to say that I’m not lazy? I don’t start school again until July… I checked into possibly trying to get into a university down in San Diego. I can’t get into a “normal” institution until next year. I could get into a community college I’m sure.. but I’d have to be down there.

I’m saving for a car. I’m being fairly responsible.
Actually.. I will sleep even less soon. Sunday-Monday I have to get everything set because it’s going to be pretty nuts. I hope that I can find a time to blog.

He’s worried about me. He thinks people will try and take advantage of me. He thinks I won’t be responsible. I turned 26 this week. I feel guilty 99% of the time I spend money. What more does he want?

“What’s his name?”
“Why does it have to be a him?”
“Because it’s always a him.”
“That’s pretty moot because I’m bisexual anyway dad…”

“Is it a new boyfriend again?”
“Dad, I like to date. It doesn’t necessarily mean it’s a boyfriend… Furthermore, if I want to date and possibly have sex, I’m old enough and responsible enough to be careful about it. So get over it.”

“I don’t expect you to understand this. I have really awesome friends. I’m careful about the company I keep. I have a good time with them, and I’m fortunate that they take care of it from time to time. I’d do the same for them anyway.”
“There comes a point where they want a return on that investment. And when you don’t put out, they’re going to take it anyway. It’s dangerous..”
“I’m aware. That generally happens to people who are being deceptive about it, and who really aren’t on their guard. I carry mace and wear high heels for a reason dad…”

Hard work deserves a reward every once in awhile doesn’t it?
I think so.
But here we go with this game of validation still.

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