Bad Anniversaries.. take 2

You would think that I’d be happy today. I finally have my net back after a few days of drought. It was fairly nice weather outside. And of course, it’s Mother’s Day.

However, it was another day in hard anniversaries. I won’t say as to why exactly. But today I didn’t get to spend with any of my children. Just like last year.

Sure, it wasn’t the worst of days… but it certainly was not up there.

Again, I did not receive a phone call from Maddox and Sakura. This time it’s because my ex has changed his cell phone because he doesn’t want to face the reality that I know everything. It’s amazing how when someone else does something wrong and they get caught, they will do whatever they can to try to avoid reality while blaming you for everything.

It’s been a really rough couple of years. I’m at the precipice of yet more decisions. Time stops for no one. I now have 2 jobs.. working on a possible 3rd. I’m progressing but not fast enough. These jobs are not my careers. It scares the crap out of me that they may be… that they are for so many people.

I miss San Diego. I told dad I was intending to move when I got on my feet since I wasn’t sure about what was going to happen with this roommate thing anyway. He seemed frustrated. He’d been happy for a few minutes about me working, but that quickly faded. He was more upset about me leaving. Even though he’s known for months that that was my goal.

I have in front of me 2 possible choices. One is the conventional “right thing to do.” The other, is a risk. However that risk is something that I really want to partake in. It’s just something I want to do. It’s something that I need to do.

If I’m killing myself this much, don’t I deserve something? After everything I’ve been through, is it wrong to want to reap some reward? You can call that selfish all you want to, but I feel justified in my actions.

When was the last time you did something for yourself? The last time I treated myself, it was so tiny, yet I felt bad afterwards. I hate money. It changes people. This is the biggest decision I’m going to have to make coming up. But in the end, I’m doing this for me.


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