Shallow haven

Live from my bedroom, it’s (almost) Saturday night.   Though tonight will likely be a quiet one… I had a very long week and unless a dark horse helps me escape, I’m going to be playing catch up here.

I’m making my rounds on the site trail per usual.   A few of them, being dating sites that I go to just for kicks.  No, I won’t tell you which ones, nor would I ever pay for those services.  It’s like paying to get laid.  Being a woman and not a mutant, if I have to pay for sex, it’s pretty pathetic.  Though I have had a few long distance relationships… um.  /whistles innocently

In any event, I’ve been told that even though I date on a regular basis, I “have the highest standards of anyone [person x] has ever known.”  Women are picky about a lot of things.  Some of the high maintence girls are trainwrecks with it.  Me?  Oh hell yes I’m picky about anything on or in me.  Food, shoes, clothes, and therefore, men should be a given.

However, I admit, while alot of my standards, expained or otherwise, are more or less really basic to  how a respectable human should act, others, however, are admittedly more shallow in nature.

So here is a little peek at some of the shallow things that just red flag someone for me.

1)Do not own a car and/or live at home.  Now, if you’re in the bay area, this really doesn’t necessarrily apply to you.  However if you’re in LA or even in San Diego and don’t own one.. that’s pretty bad.  There’d better be a good reason for you not to have one.  Living at home is really inexcusable either.  You can call me a hypocrite because technically I don’t own a car right this moment that works, but as the woman, in a somewhat old fashioned sense, the fella should be wanting to drive me while courting me unless it’s part of the adventure for the date itself.  And by date, I don’t mean, every date.

2)Your name is John.  This is not directed at anyone. However, I have a stepfather, an uncle, and a brother all named John.  When I’m in the bedroom, I do not want to have any recollection of a family member at all.  That is just.. disgusting.  This is also true with Guy or Jessica.  Dad is Guy.  Sister is Jessica.  You could be the hottest version of Jessica Rabbit.. but I’d still pass.

3)Body hair/no hair.  Evolution my dear Watson.  I may be Italian, however I do not find hairy men to be attractive.  Nothing about Robin Williams is physically attractive to me.  In transverse, Vin Diesal may be some women’s fantasy, but there’s nothing dreamy to me about having a bald head.  I like some hair to run my fingers through and pull on down when need be.  I had some great conversations with some men and then found out they were hairy- they were quickly friend shelved immediately.

4)Age.  I am noticing that I am the age where a lot of older men in their upper 30s and 40s are starting to pay more attention to me.  3 words-Dirty… old… men.  The middle age syndrome of chasing tail 10+ years younger or nearly half their age will never cease to amaze me.  Yes, I understand why they do it.  It’s flattering.  Though it’s never going to get anywhere with me.  I call one man I have dated “old balls” in jest, but he’s only 4 years older than me (and calls me hag in return).  If I say it to you and you’re above the age cut off, I’m not even partially kidding when I say, you have zero chance so don’t bother.

5)Virgins, or more or less virgins.  Slept with 2 people?  You may as well be a virgin.  I may flirt with you.  I may even consider dating you.  But honestly I likely won’t.  I’m not saying that I want a Ron Jeremy type, but I’m a grown up, and don’t want to have a man with training wheels.. or should I say- boy.

6)You call me that *one* name.  I twittered it as one of my random facts.  You have to have some serious priviledges before you even get to joke at me about that, and/or have known me for a decade.  Those are the only instances where it’s allowed.  I’m not kidding.  I will dump someone over them calling me that.  I’d rather be called a million derogatory names over that one.  Oh, and if its uttered in the bedroom of all places, pray I don’t have my heels on.

7)Complete lack of formal etiquette.  Opening doors and waiting till everyone is served before eating.. simple things your mother should have taught you should be common sense.  Don’t open the door for me on a date?  Chew with your mouth open at dinner?  Flatulate?  Check please.  And don’t worry, it won’t happen again.

8)You take more time to groom than I do.  Ok, so I admit, I like “GQ pretty boy types.”  I want a man who knows how to dress himself, sure.  But there’s a line.  Metro can be a great thing.  It’s about pride and taking care of yourself.  However, if you take more time to get ready than I do, there’s a problem.  As a guy, you should be able to do that that much faster.  I dated a guy once who was one of those “guys guys.”  In front of all them, he was the  “this is how a man is supposed to be” types.  However once when he held my hand he made a remark about my cuticles being horrible and that I needed a manicure… “I’ll take you hun. It’ll be alright…”  Um.. yeah.  No.  Ps- no eyeliner either.

9)Your apartment is a mess all (or most) of the time.  I habitually am cleaning up after my roommate and her friends.  I cannot stand a messy apartment anymore.  I had one for awhile in midst of my transition from a 2 bedroom apartment.  My grandmother is an artist and her house is a maze.  Things get moved and then they have to be rebought.  This one is a tricky feat considering I love to date artist types and this generally is one setback.  Thank you ___ for the OCD.

10)You automatically assume that me being bisexual will mean you can regularly invite to the bedroom and/or hit on every sally that comes around.  hahahaha  You’re kidding me right?  I’ll dump you automatically the moment you’re stupid enough to bring that idea up.  I’ve dated people for years and they didn’t dare ask because they knew better.  If it’s something possible, it will be mentioned on a mutual basis when the time is appropriate.  Rush the gun and you will likely regret it.  Especially if its a random bar scenario… wait, depends on how drunk I am.  You may get lucky enough that I may laugh at you.  Again, pray I’m not wearing heels.

So there’s 10 things I’d hate about you for now.  Some silly ones, and of course there were some not mentioned.  But there’s some basics for you.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s