The Repercussion of Things Said Too Soon

I don’t throw the word “love” around much anymore.
Saying it out loud seems to make it disappear.

The L word is the kiss of death when uttered too soon to someone not ready to hear it… even if they already know.

I don’t throw the word “love” around much anymore.
Saying it out loud seems to make it disappear.

Maybe I should have kept that to myself until we were both ready.  But it was how I felt.  Deep down I wondered if you felt even a portion of what I did.  But you didn’t.  You were too selfish to let anyone in but yourself.  The thing is, you’re so insecure that you don’t even do that.

Love is based on sharing an emotional piece of yourself with someone else.  Why does telling someone how you feel about them have to come with such major repercussions?

The act of falling in love is the craziest experience one can ever do.  It encompasses you.  It takes you away.  And when it’s over… you never feel more alive.  There’s just so much pain in even the wake of it.

I don’t throw the word “love” around much anymore.
Saying it out loud seems to make it disappear.

Things like this take time. It’s not easy by any stretch of the imagination. The heart is a very delicate thing.

Emotions are gifts and they are also vices. Blessed are those that are truly virtuous to maintain a degree of decorum in the midst of a storm.

Love is a battlefield. You don’t have to retreat but you should keep your shield up- lest your sanity be obliterated more so by the blow of unrequited love and heartache.

 

2010: The Greatest things you learn will be from…

This past year has been a journey for me.  It has been one that has not been without its share of life lessons.  But I have learned so much from it and from the people that I have encountered along the way.

I have learned some very important things about relationships- of platonic, family, and romantic.

For my first post of this year I think it’s a great thing to write these things down to share with you.  You see, this blog has been an outlet for me to voice how I have felt, but one thing that I have learned the most is how important it is to listen.

When you shut your mouth and take steps back, you get a view of a much bigger piece of the canvas that is life.

People are intricate beings.  We can learn much from each other.  Each person has gifts to share with the world.  Shut up and listen.  You’ll learn when you should speak up when it’s time.  Don’t worry you will have your turn.  but give other people the floor first.  It is then that you can optimally share what you have.  Collaborate with others to make something bigger, greater, stronger.  Attack the wold like a pack of wolves.  There is a reason they say that there is strength in numbers.  This is not to say that you should not look out for number one first.  It is about balance.

We are given the privledge of feeling moments of levity and darkness.  Are these products of our enviornment?  Yes and no.  Self accountability and the balance of listening, proactivity, patience, and time…. time really is so integral.

I have lost so much time in my own selfishness.  In this, I have also learned that sometimes selfishness is important. In your darkest hour, there is no one in the room but you.  Stick to the goal.

A person should always be choosy of whom they associate with.  Surround yourself with optimistic and vibrant people.  Watch how much that canvas takes shape and even lights up.

Treat every single person as if they are a gift, because they are.

There is positivity around you everywhere. It is not as abysmal as you may think.

Never stop learning, growing, and loving.

There are things in this world that are so much greater, tangible, real, and worthwhile that are worth investing your time in.  While money can make the road easier, it is not the end all, be all of things.  The best kept secret is that the best investments you can make are the people in your life.  They will help push you towards unbelievable things.  Weather it’s yourself, a significant other, a child, or a friend.

There is a song that helps me get through tough times.  The lyrics have pushed me through so many hardships in my life.  In times where I found that I needed no one but myself.  In times where I knew that it was only me that would make things perfect, even if they weren’t completely perfect.

Always Find a Way

The greatest thing you learn will be from yourself. The words you speak will come from no one else. All you believe is in your soul. All you see you can’t control. You thought you knew what it meant to live your life innocent. You listened when I had nothing to say. You listened ’cause I never had to pay for my crimes, it’s my time. So I think I made up my mind. From now on it’s all gone, but I wil never seem to say what I know, ’cause I feel I will always find a way. What I need to do is what I need to do. Try and get myself back down to the ground, without a scratch. Throw away the match, don’t even stop, walk to the top, ’cause who we are is not what I see. We need a love to hold us high, above the sky to feel the light, to see what’s right. If one thing changed it was me, I just wanted to be free. And I’ll always find a way.

The relationships you build today are the foundations for where you are headed tomorrow.  Make each connection count.

Listen.

Learn.

Love.

Give.

You will be surprised how much you will receive when you only give.

It is only then that things will work out.  Things have a way of working themselves out.  We may not always see it when it’s happening, but it’s true.

Here is to a year focused and determined to launch greater ideas, build stronger relationships, learn new things, and grow further as a person.

Each day.

Every day.

With a consistent and vibrant zest for life.

Because the moments in our lives are precious.

Our time here is very short.

Make it count.

Create the most amazing canvas you can.  Remember that every sparkle and every ray of light was once a dark shadow.  Wishes do come true.  It sometimes pays off to just take a step back to give them time to persevere and patience before it can turn into reality.

If it were easy all the time you wouldn’t appreciate it. To be fatalistic is to surrender without effort. Steps back are sometimes leaps forward in disguise.

And remember: Everything we want is attainable. It only takes a creation of the thought in your mind to make it happen, if it’s meant to happen.

Smile today.  It’s an infectious disease that should be a goal to run rampant into the hearts of many everyday.

Mr Perfect

Back when you were younger do you remember those “Little Miss” books?

Well, a little while back, when I was out and about with a friend in Westwood we stopped in a gift store called Aah’s!  Walking in, you essentially knew what you were getting into.  Everyone has been to those cheesy shops at some point in their lives.  Some, more so than others.  It was littered with silly gag gifts and other assorted randomness.

Most of the time you walk into shops like that just for the experience of them.  Rarely, if ever do you buy something or know someone that does.  At least, not unless they are in their teens or know someone who is about to hit 40.

That night though I did find something.  I found a couple of things actually.  One is indeed silly and I may have to return to get it to send to someone important.  The other?  A few buttons that I put on the messenger bag that I carry most everywhere.  This story is about one button in particular- one that had the image and name of one called “Mr. Perfect.”

Little did I know, that perhaps that was a magnet for the person I would soon find to be my Mr. Perfect- HOM.

After we met it seemed very odd that the button mysteriously fell off my bag.  I put it in my pocket and held it close.  It was as if fate was telling me something…

The button is still in my pocket.  I want not to draw in anyone else.  I firmly believe that I found what I was looking for, even if it may or may not be the right time for it to happen.

Muse for Hire trudges on… those cranes have not been finished yet.  I realize more and more that I know where pure inspiration comes from.  That perhaps I already knew.

Mr. Perfect is in my pocket.  The dream is still there.  I lived it and think about it…but I don’t think about it.  I know that even if it wasn’t him… then damn I came the closest that I’ve ever gotten to it yet.

In the aftermath of the nuclear blast (a story which I am still devoted to help him pen) there is a sole survivor.

I wonder if Mr. Perfect will return and grace the nights and days with that light again or if the light that burns twice as bright will burn out twice as fast yet again.

To you my dear, I would Walk Through Hell.

I really firmly believe that there was a reason why we encountered eachother.  That there was a bit of serendipity.  That it was about something more.  It was real.  It was tangible.  It was… a movie that I will never forget.

I care about you more than you know.

I’m sorry that things turned out the way they did that day.  We were supposed to be flying kites high above the sky… the week that we had made me feel like that inside.

There are things I want to show you.  Experiences that I still want to have with you.  Mr. Perfect… you are everything I always wanted and more.

If you’d only let me.

If only

If only

If only.

I miss you my dearest.  I am looking for that way home… as I said before, San Diego my heart is yours.  This time, more than ever do I know that to be true.

 

 

 

 

 

Letter(s) HOM(e)

something something

ah weekends..

to the train..

to you…

To 1 letter away from being…

 H

O

M

…..e.

Wherever you are

Is where I want to be.

Per request-

Mia: Don’t you hate that?
Vincent: What?
Mia: Uncomfortable silences. Why do we feel it’s necessary to yak about bullshit in order to be comfortable?
Vincent: I don’t know. That’s a good question.
Mia: That’s when you know you’ve found somebody special. When you can just shut the fuck up for a minute and comfortably enjoy the silence.

That, my dears, was my weekend.  But you’re going to have to wait to hear that tale.

With that, the sound begins again.

I know that it has been awhile since I’ve done this.  So much has been going on.  But don’t fret.

I have not stopped writing- I just changed mediums for awhile.

I have not stopped dating.

I have not stopped smiling.

(Non sequitor.)

I have not died.

(Well, that part is only partially true.)

I still exist.

I guess part of what happened is, as generic as it may sound…

life.

I was walking through the art supply store yesterday waiting for my friend to be free to cut me some canvas.  I can’t remember the last time I painted.  I was inspired and felt it was time.

My weekend had been a blur.  A punch drunk fury of hours come and gone like a gust of wind.  Perhaps the rain this week washed away more than just a few dirty streets.

I think I know what I’m going to paint.

My best had to help a customer.  I found myself lost in shelves lined with magic.  I called the one person who I knew was a combination of both worlds.

“Grandma what are you doing home?  You’re supposed to be in Dwight enjoying your childhood memories.”

“Next weekend.”

“I want to have sand in my paint but I forgot what I need for that…”

“To thicken it up you need a medium.  Or you can just use oils because its thicker.”

You see, and this should not come as much of a surprise, but my grandmother… is an artist.

“Grandma I had… All I want to do right now is paint.  I want to hike and paint and watch sunrises and sunsets over the city and paint for awhile.  It’s been too long.  I have a lot on my mind.”

“I think thats wonderful.  Do you still have those brushes your aunt and I bought you years ago?”

“I do.  I’m going to have to dig them out.  I’m buying a couple of artist pallates.  I want to go to the beach and paint so I want something that if I lose I won’t be super upset about losing.”

“Buy a plastic one or get paper ones for that.  Best bet would be plastic. It’d be easy to clean.”

“Grandma, tell me about how it was to date in your time  What was that like for you.”

“I don’t talk about that.  I did date before your grandpa but I’m a very private person.”

Oh what she doesn’t know…

We walked around and talked about life.

“Why as a society are we brought up and told “Be honest. Be yourself.  Be open.” but then when you actually are, people crucify you for it… because there’s something about them that they can’t fully express and they’re envious… because you are the colorful painting and they are stuck in black and white.”

“Because people are hypocrites!” She said with a laugh.

I guess that’s part of why I took a pause.  My scrawlings, despite being vague and relatively ananomous nature have been both uplifting and the knife of the final move of my demise.  Despite my openness about this blog before I ever even enter into anything, men seem to become entransed by the words and then… when the plot really thickens and the soufle is in the oven… well, they fall short.

“Choose your words wisely.  They make or break you.”

I am not broken anymore.

I may not be that black and white picture all of the time but…

Life has been busy.  I have eased into a semi normal lifestyle believe it or not.  I have slept some wonderful nights and I have also tossed and turned with dreams of a ghost.

But those tales shall come later.

Know that I have been to hell and beyond and… it’s good to be back.  We have a lot of catching up to do my friends.  And thank you for the messages telling  me to get back to this.

More later.  But for now?  I have to get dressed.  Someone got a normal 9-5 office job downtown.  Mind boggling huh?

Cheers,

j.

Ownership

“Did I tell you once that you are the kind of girl that guys want to own?”

I paused and withdrew a bit as he continued.  As we talked, we came to many conclusions.

“Too much honesty.”

Perhaps so.  No… he’s right.  Part of the problem is that I have been too honest.  Part of the problem is that amidst my open honesty with others, I have failed in areas within myself.

Apathetic and vibrancy… the merge of introverted and extroverted.

Two worlds which coexist, but when joined can result in a transferrance of volatility, passion, and…

Understanding.

I am scrubbing away with a fever.  Despite the imperfections, they both may very well be perfect.

There is toxin in her lips.

There is toxin in his essence.

But he’s in a class all of his own.

He is on his own pedestal and hers as well, though he may not believe he is worth it.

She is one that dances in the moonlight.

She saunters in a room and doesn’t go unnoticed.

She is the rock and also the pearl hidden away deep at the bottom of the sea.

She is like the sun that brings out the sparkles of the rage of currents.

She is the calm before the storm.

He is the waves that rush upon the shore.

He is the rock along the beach.

Steady and constant, but often filled with turmoil.

He wants nothing but safe waters for the boats along his spine.

He is protective and vigilant…. he wants no one to be hurt.

He wants not to be the one to get hurt.

And these two forces, both great and mighty fight and push and pull with their toxins.

Is it a lost cause?

Perhaps the cause is that much greater…

Genuine.

Real.

Simple…

Madness.

Passionate.

Vibrant.

Worthwhile.

Letter from a gentle man

Want to know if a man really cares about you?  It’s one that I wouldn’t recommend…

It’s the little things.

Maybe you can catch what I’m referring to by looking at the picture and video below.

These were taken before and after a long night out drinking at the Orange County Yelp Elite ‘Stache Bash.

Letter from a gentleman, the night after.

I am smitten and truly honored by this one dear sweet Mr.  Here’s hoping he sticks around for awhile.  I think he just might.  But I guess only time will tell.  I’m going to enjoy savor last bit of it.

Cheers and Happy Friday.

When Midnight broke

I told him he had until Midnight to see me.  And the clock chimed but he still hadn’t.

He said he tried.

I want to believe he was there.

But then there’s that whole serendipity thing.

Could we possibly have been at the same place that night and missed eachother?  The answer is yes.  There were droves of people at the screening Saturday night.  But does it excuse the other nights before where he failed to show up?

I’ve been milling around about the details for some time now.  Most people tell me to give up.

“There are too many excuses.  He isn’t showing any action.”

I wish I’d had my camcorder when we were together.  The moments captured on film would have been epic in quality.  I’ve learned that most of those most cinematic moments are when the camera isn’t running.

He once wrote me that “they say the fire that burns twice as bright burns half as long, but what a sight to see for that time.”

I wonder if that’s the case here.  If things are so far broken that they’re incapable of being repaired.

He reminded me last night that he used to call me his mermaid.  It was something silly and cheesy that was brought about when he helped me install a particular curtain above my bed.  He has referenced being in love with a mermaid in a few of his blogs.  I glossed over it and had forgotten about it.

And then it happened.

I was applying for a job over at Yelp when I stumbled upon…

My relationship with him had been open.  I was very publicly private that I had been seeing people while he was too busy with other things than for me.  I found out that he’d dated someone else while we were together and neglected to tell me.

I rationalized it to myself.

“It was fair.  I was doing the same thing.  I can’t really complain about it.”

But a part of me didn’t care for it.  He’d had such little time and yet he chose to spend it with her.

“When you slept with [redacted] I really thought it was over.  The [redacted] stuff took a lot out of me.  I was not happy.” he told me.

So why didn’t we break up then if that’s what he’d wanted?  Why press on through it?

Months passed and we still saw eachother.  I eventually gave him the monogamy that he wanted.  I was ready.  At this point however, the relationship had already stretched and gone a course into the deep end.  He had less and less time for me.  The valiant start out of the gate had slowed down.  We hadn’t made love in…

I didn’t find out about this intentionally.  I was curious when I saw he’d had some new reviews because he’d been on a road trip.  I found a comment on the compliments that upset me though- saying that he and a girl were missed at an event.  A girl with an uncommon name- also known as a mermaid.

I was livid without reason to be so.

When confronted with the information his first reaction was that she was “just a friend.” And then he finally came clean.

The clock ticked down last night.  We talked in spirts.  He never came by.

My roommate came home about 20 till midnight.  I was curious how his weekend had gone and if there was a postcard.  We talked a bit about it.  I came back and looked at the clock.  It was 12:08 and it was quiet.

He pinged me.

He persists.

We argued more and more.  Weather the mermaid he’d blogged about was actually me he was referring to or the girl.

“Would you make time for me?  Would you give me romance?”

No answers.  Ot was getting late and I needed to force myself to sleep.  I was hurt.  I layed down and went to bed.  I “prayed” that the answer of the fate of our relationship would be revealed to me.  I tossed and turned in my sleep.  I woke up at 4.

“So is that it then?”

“What’s what then?”

“I asked you questions.  You blew me off.  So it sounded like I got my answer.”

I repeated:

“Would you make time for me?  Would you give me romance?”

I went back to bed.  As I got comfortable I heard a ping.  I was stubborn and didn’t move.  I woke up a few times again but never got out of bed until he was long passed signed out.  He’d replied to me.

With the last bit of heart I had left, I wrote him an email:

When we first got together you romanced me.  You did things that were so wonderful… surprises, flowers, showed me the city.
I’d thought that was always the intention to continue.  But you stopped.

I have remnants around my room of the romance that was once there… of that man who would do everything he could to be with me.  Of the guy who took me on adventures and places and shared so many fun times with me.

I went further into detail about a few other personal things and outlined exactly what I felt needed to be accomplished if we were ever going to get that “fresh start” again.

When Midnight broke, so did a piece of me.  I know that regardless the outcome though it will be alright.

“Do you love me?  Cinderella asked the Prince.

“Would you even believe me if I said yes?” he replied.

Perhaps time will tell.

http://www.tenori-onusa.com/

But.

“I love you but…”

is not going to be good enough for me.

It was a frustrating night last night.  Yet another night where you were not here.  This time, there wasn’t an excuse for it.

This isn’t grade school.  You can’t tell the teacher the dog ate your homework this many times and her to just give you a passing grade.

You are a grown up.

Love is a gift, not a right.

And when I give you something so very… and you say you do too, but then do things like this again…

You didn’t call or message or even say you were sorry.  The fact that I had to instant message you at 3am to get a response an hour later, sans apology…

In my romantic naiveity, I want so very much to believe you when you say those three words.  I want my friends to be wrong.  I want to believe in the passion that I remember.

Memories are inherently sticky.  Those of you in the beginning… of those moments in the sun where nothing else mattered, will always make my heart tug thinking about.

“Nothing is forever.” my best friend told me.

I’m brought back to that night with Moo.  Of a discussion that continues to mean even more each day.

“Some things are meant to be legendary.”

I wonder what happened to the man I fell in love with last summer.  It is a shadow.  The season has changed.  And now, you are a ghost.

In your wake, there are questions.  I know now that it really isn’t about my wrong doings this time.

If you love someone, you move mountains for them without them asking.  You once did.

Monday morning will be tomorrow.  You will be at E3.  I’m not sure where I’ll be just yet.

This is the part in the movie where either the boy rushes to the girl…

or

or

or

I have to go to see my son. Afterward I think a drive along the coast may be in order.  Some roads you have to walk alone.  I’m to the point where that’s what I want to do.  It’s getting a bit easier each day when things like this happen.

“I love you, but…”

No.  If you love me, that word will not be in that sentence any longer.